Three weeks in, not a sign of hope, well at least not in my head, all we have is a constant increase in people dying from the virus, I cannot sometime process it all. I have switched off from listening to news as best I can, only the minor tiny elements scratch my conscious, as I know they will cause me some anxiety spike later if I let them sit there and fester. I try and make myself work throughout the day even if it is on something with no apparent reason or need, they are all distractions, as is typing this update here. The continuous and monotonous hand washing and checking my temperature and self-monitoring as to was that a dry cough, was that a sneeze, am I wheezy, it is all a complete time monster. It eats away at your soul as you try and make some sort of peace in your own headspace to ensure that you have made it through another day, for how long this continues, sure we have the official lines, but, that is merely to stop the contagion, it will still be around after 6 months, and for me, immune suppressed due to my Crohns disease, what, what will the answer be, a injection to make me safe, but that is not likely for 18months, perhaps longer. I just hope I can stay the course and keep the ship that is me on a straight course, and not venture to near the rocks of depression, disappear and doom.
Last night I had a melt down, I could not calm myself at all, I kept thinking that I had a sore throat, this finally left me when I fell asleep and fitful night once again lay on the lounge floor for fear of catching this diease. This morning I awoke to the fear that I have lost my taste and smell, I keep testing myself, the truth of it that I am anxious beyond the belief. I don’t know why I am trying to rationalise my behaviour. I have had no contact with no one for weeks, apart from my wife who came back from Thailand, and I cannot help think had she got it. Although its been over 7 days in fact it has been nearly 9 days, and she has no symptons. I am fearful that I have contracted it from touching something that is infected and I have not washed it off my hands. Oh God, why will this fear not leave me. I am driving myself mad, I am simply going over the same fears constantly and constantly. I just want this to go I want some calm in my life. I am fed up of this constant spiral, it is like a coil that is tightend and untightended.
Todays image is simply this